Key West The Newspaper

by Michael Alan

The first thing they tell you about serious writing is: do not, under any circumstances, write about anything serious. Everyone says so, and it is true, it tends to piss people off. What you should do is come up with a really good title. That is the key to it all. Readers can read the title and then they know exactly what you are going to say. That way they do not have to read the article per se and they can just move right on down to the comment section and fire away. You will note that I used the Latin expression ‘per se’. It doesn’t matter what it means. It is just irony. It would indicate that I was serious but I am not. Ironic, no?

The other thing they tell you is to put what you are going to talk about right there in the first paragraph. As you can see we messed that one up but, no matter, we can try again next time. You may ask, “What does this have to do with transgender mosquitoes?” That is just the point. To write about transgender mosquitoes would be a huge mistake. Can you imagine the firestorm of opinions and inflamed feelings it would trigger? I’ll give you an example: One could say that, in one’s opinion, not me, but someone who actually had an opinion, transgender mosquitoes have the same right to live in liberty and pursuit of happiness just as all other mosquitoes do. That would be enough to piss someone off and send them right on down to the comment section where mere words would not be sufficient for them to express their outrage. They would have to use symbols and special characters and bold, ALL-CAP typefaces. They might even have their comment moderated.

I saw a good example of this when I was browsing around Youtube. There was this video about a meeting in Key West concerning transgender mosquitoes. Having binge-watched all the episodes of “Orange is the New Black”, I was intrigued. I watched a little but it did not really grab my attention. I fast-forwarded to the end to see what happened but it wasn’t much better. There was someone who seemed scared to death that they would be bitten. There were other people who did not want to be Guinea Pigs (maybe Guinea Pigs are mosquitoes’ natural prey, I do not know, it could be humans for all I know). I don’t blame them, who would? Maybe in a world where Guinea Pigs had televisions and beer and potato chips, maybe then we would give it a try. In the end promises were made and some semblance of calm returned but, all in all, I do not think it will become a viral hit, and it did seem to piss certain people off.

The one thing I did not hear was someone from One Human Family pleading for their rights. It would seem, without actually giving an opinion, that the transgender mosquitoes would have their supporters. I mean, wouldn’t it be difficult enough just being a mosquito in the first place? Would it be so bad if these transgender ones could just go out and have their two weeks or so in the sun? Where are the Kardashians when we need them?

Okay, well I just took a break and did some research. It seems that the meeting was about transgenic mosquitoes, not transgender mosquitoes. As it turns out, the transgender mosquitoes would only make up a very tiny percentage of the total. The majority would be male for some unknown reason, maybe because they would rather make love, not war. That would leave only  about 0.03% to include females and the mosquito LGBT community. Now what percentage of those might bite if provoked? Well, not many, as it turns out. So I guess the good news here is that things seem to be looking up for the Guinea Pigs. After all, what could be better, when you are a Guinea Pig, than not being bitten?

Please pass the remote, and grab me a beer and some chips while you’re up, okay?