screwed blu'd tatooed reef

Key West author Reef Perkins shares more of his hilarious book,

Screwed, Blu’d

and Tattooed


Reef Perkins

***On the Porch***

Back on the porch, Ferling Bagwidth checked his cup, focused his eyes and mounted the Looner-Too. With a sense of history and a deep breath, Bagwidth made the first small hop for mankind. BAM! The blank fired perfectly, launching him twenty feet up, and down, Dung Beetle Lane. Bagwidth leaned into the wind; he felt good, real good and prepared for a one point landing … BANG! He nailed it; the second blank went off right on time. “FLAPS UP-GEAR UP!” Bagwidth screamed and was on his way.

“It’s a goddamned miracle! I’m rich, I’m rich!” he hollered and checked the scorecards as he cleared the end of Dung Beetle lane. Was that a 10 he saw? Only three blanks fired and already he was headed for the open road.

Bagwidth was well on his way to Stark Island when he caught a bad rise on Flagler Avenue and landed on the gleaming hood of a perfectly restored, candy-apple red, 1965 Chevy Camaro convertible.

“Sorry, amigo!” Ferling yelled at a rotund Latin who slammed on his brakes and got smacked in the back of the head with a set golf clubs.

The next shell detonated.

Bagwidth kept going. He had to. “How can I stop now?” he yelled. It was a question that should have been posed much earlier in the research and development process. Eventually, Bagwidth ended up in the mangroves near the golf course, where he landed the Looner-Too. Bagwidth brought the stick in like a pilot on a night aircraft carrier landing. “Fly the Balls!” he screeched and touched down in three-feet of mangrove mud. He still had one blank left.

He’d made it, it worked, and he would be rich. “I fuckin’ did it!” His voice echoed through the mangroves behind the county jail.

Bagwidth was on a roll. He recovered the Looner and made his way eastward toward the looming majesty of the old city dump. Known locally as Mount Trashmore, the fertile mound was an unsightly organic hump with a smelly shadow and a family attraction for carrion.

Ferling needed to absorb his success and made the undemanding climb up the south face. “Land of the Clods,” Ferling called it. It was the place he liked to go, to get away from it all. One of the few spots the Conch Train didn’t go, but eventually would. He climbed, crab-like, to the craggy windswept peak, squatted down and faced into the prevailing southeasterly trade winds. The swerving seagulls swooped close, then pulled away screeching, leaving delicate downy drafts of weathered white butt feathers, like tropical snowflakes, spinnerolling around him.

The flapping turkey vultures circled majestically aloft, riding the updrafts. Guano from heaven rained about him. It never failed; it was always peaceful and nostalgic. He was home. “Stanks, don’t it?” he intoned to the spirits. He thought he heard someone banging on a pipe in the distance.

Ready for more?

Click here to get your own copy of Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed [and other stories] by Reef Perkins


About the Author

Captain Mark T. “Reef” Perkins is a marine surveyor with a colorful past. From commanding a 150-foot 300 DWT US Army diving ship off Vietnam to smuggling in the Caribbean, Reef Perkins has become a living legend. A graduate of both the US Army Engineer Officer Candidate School and the US Navy Salvage Officers School, he’s a man comfortable in or out of the water. Raised in rural Michigan, Reef now lives in Key West where he can get his feet wet. He is the author of the bestselling memoir, Sex, Salvage & Secrets.


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Published by Whiz Bang LLC, 926 Truman Avenue, Key West, Florida 33040, USA

Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed copyright © 2013 by Reef Perkins. Electronic compilation/ print edition copyright © 2013 by Whiz Bang LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized ebook editions.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. While the author has made every effort to provide accurate information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their contents.

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