Key West author Reef Perkins shares more of his hilarious book,

Screwed, Blu’d

and Tattooed

by

Reef Perkins

Bullet Holes in Canada

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Oakley Holmes Perkins sat in the back of a eighteen-foot Old Hickory wooden canoe. His wife of fifty years, Ethel Allyn Perkins, sat in the bow. Their Indian guide, named Too, floated nearby in his canoe.

Oakley and Ethel were separate, yet together, as they had been since the first day of marriage. Oakley, an avid fisherman, hunched over and concentrated on untangling a bird’s nest of monofilament line from his reel. Ethel, a determined novice who preferred needlepoint to fishing, felt an urgent tug on her rod. She began reeling; quietly hoping the fish would get away. Abruptly a large fish came to the surface and, before Too could yell “STOP,” Ethel heaved on the rod.

Ethel Allyn’s frail arms flapped like uncooked chicken wings as she dragged a four- foot Gar Pike into the canoe. The powerful fish resembled a barracuda, its razor teeth flashed and thrashed. Its slimy body beat a fearful dirge in the early morning air.

Oakley set aside his Gordian mess and reached down the front of his pants. The Indian, Too, looked puzzled and embarrassed, the White man, he thought, shaking his head inconspicuously. A second later Oakley pulled a long barrel .22-caliber pistol out of his Abercrombie and Fitch’s and fired three shots into the flailing fish.

“You’re OK, Ethel, you’re safe!” Oakley boomed. His manly voice echoed across the still waters. Gun smoke hung in the air. There was a gurgling sound.

Ethel wanted to feel safe but remained unconvinced as the canoe filled with cold Canadian water. Her belongings were swept away and began an unintended journey down the Magnetawan River. And even worse, Ethel’s colorful but unfinished needlepoint on frame was visible for a long time before being sucked into the white rapids downstream. She couldn’t help but wonder if her fine work would become part of a beaver dam. The canoe sank to the gunwales. Wood floats and Ethel, who had faith in all things inert, remained steadfastly in her seat until rescued by Too in his canoe.

Oakley pulled out an armpit flask, drained it and insisted on paddling the flooded canoe to shore. The empty flask helped keep him afloat.

The pike sank.

My dad, Robert, son of Oakley and I were also in a canoe. After my dad stopped laughing we paddled downriver to recover some gear that got caught up in overhanging branches.

I was six and life sure looked like fun. I grabbed a passing branch. The sudden action caused the canoe to spin sideways, slam into the branches and flip over. My dad and I crawled up the roots and onto the muddy river bank. We laughed like idiots.

It was a good day, except for the leeches.

***********

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About the Author

Captain Mark T. “Reef” Perkins is a marine surveyor with a colorful past. From commanding a 150-foot 300 DWT US Army diving ship off Vietnam to smuggling in the Caribbean, Reef Perkins has become a living legend. A graduate of both the US Army Engineer Officer Candidate School and the US Navy Salvage Officers School, he’s a man comfortable in or out of the water. Raised in rural Michigan, Reef now lives in Key West where he can get his feet wet. He is the author of the bestselling memoir, Sex, Salvage & Secrets.

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Published by Whiz Bang LLC, 926 Truman Avenue, Key West, Florida 33040, USA

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. While the author has made every effort to provide accurate information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their contents.

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Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed by Reef Perkins…continues…