Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed by Reef Perkins…continues…

screwed blu'd tatooed reef

Key West author Reef Perkins shares more of his hilarious book,

Screwed, Blu’d

and Tattooed


Reef Perkins

***A Pod of Souls***

(Click here for previous chapter)

After losing Beth in Pinhole, Blu stole a 3.5-cylinder Chinese motorcycle with a detachable sidecar. He packed bread, bologna, blankets and cheese into the sidecar and made the two thousand mile trip to Key West at thirty-five miles per hour. Blu was only a hundred miles from Key West when the sidecar broke loose. It careened wildly across US 1, plunged into the mangroves and sank. A lucky gator found the floating bag of bologna. Blu fought the gator to get it back.

The wet baloney didn’t bother Blu. His teeth were so filled with bugs he couldn’t tell what he was eating anyway. He reminded himself not to smile so much while driving.

Blu was down to one Chinese cylinder when he hit Marathon and, in the end, pushed the ailing motorbike by hand, from Stark Island to Key West.

Blu was tired and lonely. Bagwidth wouldn’t do. He parked the remains of his motorbike in the bushes down Dung Beetle Lane and headed to the Naked Bunch.

Slowly, Blu climbed the stairs. The cross-country trip had been rough on him and his orbs. He couldn’t stop humming the old cowboy tune made famous by Hemorrhoid Rogers, “Happy Tails to You ….”

Blu was happy to see Perki Mellon, still behind the bar. Her left breast was wrapped in yellow police tape. Perki smiled when Blu walked up, “It,” she nodded down and to the left, “was involved in a crime.” It was all she would say when Blu raised a curious, bug-filled, eyebrow.

After Perki got off work, Blu took her to meet Uncle Bagwidth.

On Bagwidth’s porch they learned that Ferling had admired Perki’s mom, Sophie “Big Melons” Mellon, when they attended high school together. Because of Sophie’s endowments, he informed them, she was allowed to fill two positions on the high school cheerleading squad. All the guys loved Sophie and “the twins.” Ferling instantly liked Perki and told Blu they could move in with him. Mi casa, su casa! Mi shower, su shower!

Perki slyly gazed at her nipples to see if they were on the rise. She didn’t trust her own judgment when it came to men but her nipples, like little loving beagles, never lied. The beagles remained seated and Perki said she’d think about it.

It was late October the Saturday before Halloween. The Saturday when Fantasy Fest, that great tropical bead debauchery, was set to begin.

That same Fantasy Fest Saturday, Trout and Beth rode into Key West aboard the Gayhound. Beth took Trout to meet Ferling Bagwidth. She knew Bagwidth would probably be surprised to see her, but he’d always liked her if she remembered correctly. Beth knocked on the front door frame and waited. Unfortunately, Bagwidth was in the shower washing thoroughly with an old loofa sponge. Beth banged again. “Uncle Bagwidth, are you in there? It’s me Bet … ah … Fak-yah!”


Trout noticed there were no doors. He could see out the back of the house. No back wall either. These rich folk! Trout was about to criticize the poorly trained architect when Bagwidth steamed out of the shower wearing only a puzzled look. He recognized Beth immediately and ran to give her a hug. “Mi casa, su casa! Mi shower, su shower!” Skilled in the ways of men, Beth had anticipated this scenario and moved quickly aside. The bare naked Bagwidth fully embraced an astounded Trout. Bagwidth’s wet feet slipped, he lost his grip, clawed at Trout’s shirt and snagged his dentures on Trout’s belt buckle on the way down. His teeth helped stop the fall.

Trout stared at the top of Bagwidth’s head, pressed into his crotch. Then, the dental adhesive let go and Bagwidth hit the floor. With no teeth to prevent a suction lock, his lips stuck to the wet floorboards. He made unpleasant noises. Beth laughed and turned to Trout, “Welcome to Key West, Babyfish.”

Trout stared at the pinkish denture hanging from his buckle. The awkward moment disturbed his sensibilities.

A few minutes later, Blu and Perki came through the doorway, six packs in hand. All five pilgrims stared at each other in disbelief. Ferling could only look up with one eye. Blu stared at Beth’s lips. Trout stared at Perki’s tits, the beagles barked, and Perki stared at Trout staring at her. Bagwidth was still stuck to the floor and stared at the Dade county pine boards.

Beth broke the stunned silence, “Blu, is that you?”

Beth? Oh, ah… Beth! This here is Perki.” Blu said with a nod towards Mellon.

Perki? Ah…Babyfish, this is my lover, Blu.” Beth said with a nod towards Blu.

Beth! I’m not Babyfish”




It’s Trout.”




It was quiet.

How much must we forget before it’s safe to remember?

Within minutes, Beth chose Blu, Perki chose Trout and Bagwidth remained lip-locked to the floor. Careful not to trip over Bagwidth, the two couples walked out the door hole, waved and went their separate ways.

Blu took Beth’s hand. He was confused as they strolled down Dung Beetle lane. “Why’d you choose me, Beth?”

It’s ‘cause you saved me Blu, don’t you know that?”

Saved you from what?”

From everything, that’s what!”

Like what?”

Read the book, Blu. You’re my hero!”

Hero? Me?”

You betcha, Red Rider! Come here, baby.”


Come here, Blu.”

He walked into her arms and fulfilled his dream, without knowing he had.


Ready for more?

Click here to get your own copy of Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed [and other stories] by Reef Perkins


About the Author

Captain Mark T. “Reef” Perkins is a marine surveyor with a colorful past. From commanding a 150-foot 300 DWT US Army diving ship off Vietnam to smuggling in the Caribbean, Reef Perkins has become a living legend. A graduate of both the US Army Engineer Officer Candidate School and the US Navy Salvage Officers School, he’s a man comfortable in or out of the water. Raised in rural Michigan, Reef now lives in Key West where he can get his feet wet. He is the author of the bestselling memoir, Sex, Salvage & Secrets.


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Published by Whiz Bang LLC, 926 Truman Avenue, Key West, Florida 33040, USA

Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed copyright © 2013 by Reef Perkins. Electronic compilation/ print edition copyright © 2013 by Whiz Bang LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized ebook editions.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. While the author has made every effort to provide accurate information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their contents.

For information contact:

[email protected]

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