Nov 062015
 

by Kim Pederson…….

As you may know, November 2 is the Day of the Dead. As you may not know, it is also Plan Your Epitaph Day, at least according to Lance Hardie, author of the yet-to-be-published (I think) How to Write Your Own Epitaph — and Live Long Enough to Enjoy It. Lance believes that having a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death, and he exhorts his readers to avoid this at all costs: “Don’t give up your power over the most important words of your life. Take control: it’s your life, it’s your death, it’s your stone — YOU say something!”

"Here lies the body of...?" Josiah, Josiah. You could have done so much better.*

“Here lies the body of…?” Josiah, Josiah. You could have done so much better.*

To prompt you into action, Lance offers a few choice epitaph examples:

  • “Here lies the body of Richard Hind, who was neither ingenious, sober, or kind.” [Hey, it’s your gravestone. If you want to have sloppy grammar, so be it. And see, Josiah?]
  • “I made an ash of myself.”
  • “I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
  • “Posterity will ne’er survey a nobler grave than this; Here lie the bones of Castlereagh: Stop, traveler, and piss.”

Reading Lance’s epitaph exhortation prompted me to wonder, for no particular reason other than I haven’t touched on anything political for a while, what our presidential candidates would have on their tombstones. Here’s what I think we would see:

  • Carly Fiorina: Here lies Carly.
  • Ben Carson: It’s about the twist and the shout and the ya ya ya and don’t ask me to explain.
  • Chris Christie: Hey! I just came over for a visit. What a-hole closed the fricking bridge?
  • Ted Cruz: I coulda been a con-Ted-der. I coulda been somebody. I coulda had class.
  • Marco Rubio: Give it up, Ted.
  • Rand Paul: I don’t know what this is but I’m sure someone spent too much taxpayer money on it.
  • Bernie Sanders: Berned Out.
  • Hillary Clinton: You know what? He did have sex with that woman.
  • John Kasich: At last, an end to the BS.
  • Bobby Jindal: Why am I here again?
  • Lindsey Graham: I’m still ready to be Commander in Chief.
  • Mike Huckabee: There’s been a horrible mistake. This escalator only goes down.
  • Jeb Bush: Stuff happens.
  • Donald Trump (buried next to Jeb): I told you he was low energy.

I haven’t given much thought to my own epitaph since I’m not planning to have a grave or a headstone. If I did, my last words would be kindred in spirit to this commemorative marker on a building in Key West: “On this spot on such and such date, nothing happened.”

*”008-Josiah Leavitt (d. Dec 19th, 1717) grave, Hingham Center Cemetery, Hingham, Plymouth Co., MA” by dee E. Warenycia, Roseville, CA via email from author. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons.

Visit Kim Pederson’s blog RatBlurt: Mostly Random Short-Attention-Span Musings.

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 November 6, 2015  Posted by at 12:43 am Issue #139, Kim Pederson  Add comments

  One Response to “And Now for a Few Last Words”

  1. Kim, My Donald Trump would be this: “A-holes are born that way, and I lived it to the most. Can you believe it?” Thanks, Jerome

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