Key West author Reef Perkins shares more of his hilarious book,

Screwed, Blu’d

and Tattooed

by

Reef Perkins

*** Bagwidth History***

Years ago, Ferling’s father, Big Roid Bagwidth, sent him a handwritten letter. It was the only communication Ferling received from his father since Big Roid went out for diapers fifty some years ago and, although Ferling didn’t know it at the time, he received the letter just days after Big Roid died.

Big Roid’s simple two-page note to his son began, “I guano die now.” The first and only letter from his father also informed Ferling that the Bagwidth Clan had been highly respected guano farmers in the Bahamas since the early eighteen hundreds, but the demand for guano, used in making explosives, had fallen off and dried up after the First World War and the family’s fortune turned to shit.

A month after Big Roid’s unscheduled departure, Ferling’s mom, Moonbeam Iota, called from a phone booth in Minot, North Dakota. She sounded drunk and kept calling him “Furring.” She told Ferling that his dad, Big Roid, had run a hose from the family car’s exhaust pipe through the driver’s side window and into the front seat. Unfortunately, she went on to say, the hose came off the exhaust pipe and Big Roid froze to death trying to commit suicide. “The fuel gauge was on empty and the heater was off when I found his ass, so going to the store for cigarettes just had to wait.” She paused, “Your dad was the only man I ever knew that could fuck up a fuck-up.” She further reported that Big Roid had been cremated in a steel, fifty-five gallon drum, fish-smoker behind Dirty Daryl’s BBQ Pit in Minot. It was cold in Minot. The cremation took three days. “They was runnin’ low on dry wood toward the end and hadta’ pour some gas on his ass,” his mom paused and Blu heard another coin drop into the pay phone slot. “After Roid was scooped out, the cooker smelled so bad the guys tried to bury it but the damn ground was froze. So they gave it to me. I had to stare at the fucking thing all winter.”

When he was young, Ferling’s mom, Moonbeam, was frequently confronted by disturbed neighbors who were tired of weird goings-on in the area. They often asked, “What was that kid thinking?” His mom got up, brushed the ashes off her half-buttoned kimono, pulled the TV guide out of her bra, set her uppers in drive and said, “Yep, you got that one right, dickweed…ain’t no one thinks like my Ferling do.” His mom loved him and called him “my little earthling.”

Moonbeam never fully recovered from Big Roid’s death, or life for that matter, and lived in a confused state until her own demise, the result of a rabid beaver attack, a few years later.

Two years after they planted Moonbeam Iota, Big Roid’s ashes were delivered to Dung Beetle Lane and have since resided in a Mason jar labeled dAD. His remains served as a paperweight for unpaid bills.

Big Roid’s finally good for something, was a mean-spirited thought Ferling occasionally embraced. His missed Moonbeam. Ferling’s familial daydream fizzled to a stop.

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About the Author

Captain Mark T. “Reef” Perkins is a marine surveyor with a colorful past. From commanding a 150-foot 300 DWT US Army diving ship off Vietnam to smuggling in the Caribbean, Reef Perkins has become a living legend. A graduate of both the US Army Engineer Officer Candidate School and the US Navy Salvage Officers School, he’s a man comfortable in or out of the water. Raised in rural Michigan, Reef now lives in Key West where he can get his feet wet. He is the author of the bestselling memoir, Sex, Salvage & Secrets.

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ABSOLUTELY AMAZING eBOOKS

Published by Whiz Bang LLC, 926 Truman Avenue, Key West, Florida 33040, USA

Screwed, Blu’d and Tattooed copyright © 2013 by Reef Perkins. Electronic compilation/ print edition copyright © 2013 by Whiz Bang LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized ebook editions.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. While the author has made every effort to provide accurate information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their contents.

For information contact:

[email protected]

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